Since its inception nearly four years ago, my blog has been a labor of love. But, if you have been following me for a while, you also know that it has also been a huge struggle. I have wanted to throw in the towel more times than I can count. Much of my difficulty has revolved around the undisputable fact that I want to show up as real and authentic. Hence, the name, Simply for Real.
But I have changed so much over the past few years because consistent writing has taken me on an unexpected and complex journey of self-discovery. Through the twists, turns, corkscrews, and ah-ha moments, I have come to a point where so much of what I have been writing about no longer feels like me. It feels forced – like I must try incredibly hard to be myself, or at least the version of myself that I have developed here in this space.
But I should not have to try to be myself. It should be as effortless as breathing.
Because writing is how I express myself most clearly, my words must be a natural extension of who I am, not a sub-conscious attempt to fit in with a niche of inspirational bloggers whom I thought I should emulate (because they are all incredible). I no longer feel like I belong in that group of emotionally-driven, introspective women, though I love and appreciate all of them.
In reality, I am not sweet or easy-going. I don’t operate well in the realm of touchy-feely emotion (just ask my husband). I am kind and thoughtful, yes, but also full of fire and sass and an abundance of passion and optimism that sometimes lead me to say and do crazy things. For too long, I have tried to temper and hide the strength of my personality for fear of being “too much” and, in the process, lost my way.
It all feels so heavy.
For many weeks, I have been on the fence about whether I am going to continue writing here. I have felt like a fish out of water, unsure of how to proceed when I cannot see myself continuing on the trajectory that I have spent years creating.
Day in and day out, I ask myself where I fit into the blogging community. Now that I have a better understanding of who I am (and who I am not), what do I have to offer the world? Is there a way to proceed without always feeling drained of energy and enthusiasm for this work? Where do I go from here?
It all feels so heavy.
I’m not sure if I know the answers to those questions. I do know that I have spent years trying to convince myself that I must be serious and grounded, emotional and deliberate if I am to be a good woman, mother, and writer. Trying to fit into that mold has left me feeling frustrated, restless, and unfulfilled. It is now clear that I came to earth armed with fire and determination coupled with a splash of silly optimism because those are the gifts I need to make a difference in my own way.
In a last ditch effort to save my blog (and my sanity), I am dropping all expectations and preconceived notions that I have been carrying surrounding my blogging journey. The only thing I can promise you is that I will show up as myself, no holds barred. All other bets are off.
I must stop trying so hard to fit somewhere that I was never meant to fit. Hopefully, I will find my place – my people – the ones who will appreciate what I bring to the table, even if it is somewhat different than what I have offered in the past. (I know some of you are reading this, so thank you.)
Here’s to last ditch attempts…fingers crossed I can pull it off!
Let the fun begin.